Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
