Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
