im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
