Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
