On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
