Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I deserve this hangover.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize