feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
