I love black thongs
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
