After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
