90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I need moral support for this bender
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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