Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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