My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
