Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
