i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
