I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
