you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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