Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
