I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Randomize
