is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
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