are you still at the devil's house?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Operation Purity has been aborted
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
