I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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