So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
