I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
