Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
