If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
