I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
