There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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