I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
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I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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