I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
