the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
