she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
