i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Randomize
