Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
