I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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