Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
