he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
