do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
