I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
