I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
