I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
