All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
