I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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