I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
