they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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