Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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