I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
