Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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