worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
