i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
