fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
