Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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