I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
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I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
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I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
be right there i have to get my cape
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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