Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
