he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
So. Much. Porn.
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