I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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