My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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