No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
