They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
